It is an exceptionally hot summer. Time for a beer. I went to the local alcohol shop.
"Give me two bottles of chilled beer please" I said to the shopkeeper.
"Sorry sir. Dry Day. Birthday of River Ganges".
Yes. Rivers have birthdays now. I went back the next day. "Can I have the beer now?"
He handed me two bottles. I was on my way back home. The police stopped me looking awfully serious.
"Sir. We have received intelligence that you have alcohol in your car" the police inspector said.
"Yes. But I did not consume any before I started to drive".
"That does not matter. You are now holding a bottle within 5 km of the river Narmada. Get out of your car".
I got out. Another constable came and murmured something into the inspector's ears.
"Sorry sir. You can go".
I was surprised and asked him why.
"We have just been informed that due to scanty rainfall, the river boundary has shifted around 5 meters. You are in the safe zone".
"Phew. Thanks sir. I will go straight home and drink only there".
"OK. Please don't drive by MG Road. We have another check-post there. That is within 500 meters of a school. Don't take Rajiv Chowk either. That is within 200 meters of a place of worship. You can get caught".
"OK. So what should I do now?"
"Take SV Road for now. Also go home and download the beta version of the 'Google Maps' app. They now have 'Tipple routes'. Red for traffic jam, Blue for smooth, Yellow for slow moving and Brown for the No Alcohol 'Dry' zone. These are now updated on a real time basis".
I reached home and opened my bottle. Suddenly the bell rang. It was the police again.
"Now what?"
"Sir. We have received intelligence that you have alcohol in your house".
"Yes. But I am not within 500 meters of anything and the Ganges, Narmada, Kaveri, Indus, even the bloody Mithi River is more than 5 km away".
"Sir. Rules are rules. We have to check if you are old enough."
I showed him my PAN card.
"Sorry sir. This won't work. There are too many fake IDs out there. Did you know there were 4 lakh fake students in schools in UP. Please place your hand on this machine so that we can authenticate. It is all biometric now".
I placed my right thumb on the sensor. A red light started to flash.
"Sorry sir. We will have to confiscate your beer!"
"Now what? I have complied with all the rules" I protested.
"Sir. Fresh rule was formed yesterday. Mars is in the fifth house of your Almanac. We cannot sell alcohol to anyone whose Mars is weighing on his Rahu in the fourth house".
"How the hell do you know that?"
"Sir UID. Your 'kundli' is now linked to your Aadhaar card".
